


Kantostuck

by dunnedays



Category: Homestuck, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, Pokestuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-21
Updated: 2012-10-03
Packaged: 2017-11-14 18:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/518284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dunnedays/pseuds/dunnedays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert knows something is wrong when he wakes up in a room he doesn't recognise. He just underestimates how wrong it is.</p><p>Homestuck characters take the places of characters in the Pokemon games, but don't remember anything about Sburb/Sgrub.</p><p>Well, except for a few of them.</p><p>(Oh man, the HTML codes are being really uncooperative. It's going to look like a really big mess until I can get it figured out.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. > John: Wake up.

Blue eyes open.

You look around. Well, this is new. It’s not every day you wake up not knowing where you are, even if it is an occurrence that has happened more frequently since you started the game. But somehow this doesn’t seem like part of the game. It’s too quiet, too bright, too different…

Your name is John Egbert, and you have no knowledge of your bearings presently. The last thing you remember is a lot of adventuring thanks to this weird universe creating game called Sburb, with it ending on a ship headed for the new session with your ecto-sister, Jade.

With the reminiscing out of the way, you look around. It’s a bedroom, but certainly not yours.

The most striking thing about it, perhaps, is that almost everything is red.

You flip on the television, which, surprisingly, is red, and watch a news report play out.

NEWS: Again, our top story. A Slowbro finishes its year long journey from Olivine City in Johto to Mossdeep in Hoenn…

Slowbro? Johto? Hoenn? Since when did the news channel start broadcasting random Pokémon crap?

You flip the television off and head downstairs.

ROXY: john youre up! about time

Two blondes sit at a table in a large room that appears to cover the entire ground floor. One of them appears to be in a state of shock, and the other is swigging from a champagne glass. The one who greeted you was the latter.

JOHN: hey roxy. where are we?

The other blonde immediately snaps her head around to face you, her look of shock turning into surprise.

ROXY: lmao were in palletown duh

JOHN: pallet town? pokémon pallet town?

ROXY: what else pallet town would there be? did you two have too much to drunk or something? have you been at my sstash?

JOHN: no, why do you ask?

ROXY: come on you can tell me! you got hamererd and did the nasty with my ddaghter didn’t you

JOHN: WHAT? no, no no! you’ve got it all wrong! me and rose would never do such a thing!

Rose stands.

ROSE: John, I’d like a word with you, please.

JOHN: oh!

It looks like you had forgotten Rose was there. She’s always been fairly quiet but this was a new level for her.

JOHN: no offense rose! I mean, you’re a lovely lass and all and-

ROSE: John. Upstairs.

Rose speaks more forcibly, and Roxy waggles her eyebrows at the two of you.

JOHN: yeah, okay...

Upstairs, Rose closes the door to your room behind her and turns to face you.

ROSE: John, what do you remember?

Once again, you splutter.

JOHN: what do you mean? you mean we did something? oh shit oh shit, i’m sorry rose!

She slaps you.

JOHN: ow! i mean, i probably deserved that if i did something like perverted to you or whatever but… ow!

She slaps you again.

ROSE: Shut up. Now I’m going to ask you another question and this time don’t assume I’m talking about anything sexual. I know you boys have one-track perverted minds but that does not mean everything has to be of a sexual nature.

JOHN: uh, okay.

You start rubbing your cheek where she hit you.

ROSE: What do you know about Sburb?

You stare at her in bewilderment.

JOHN: Sburb? That freaky game we were playing? You mean this place is a part of it?

This was apparently the right answer, as she smiles broadly and hugs you.

JOHN: wow, uh, what did i say?

ROSE: John, as far as I can tell, this isn’t a part of Sburb.

She breaks away from you and stands at a reasonable distance.

ROSE: And that girl downstairs is not the Roxy Lalonde we know.

JOHN: huh?

ROSE: We are actually in the world of Pokémon.

As she speaks, Rose bears the most serious look on her face, to let you know that this is not a shitty prank.

ROSE: This is the home of Leaf and her mother, or rather, me and my ecto-mother/sister. Strange ectobiological paradoxical relations seem to follow us regardless of the universe we are in.

JOHN: whoa, what? so who am i?

ROSE: You would be the male protagonist, Red. According to what I managed to get out of Roxy, you live next door and you were having a sleepover. I suspect that whatever brought us here brought us here for a challenge.

Rose looks out of the window, at a nearby building.

JOHN: you mean like the challenge of catching all the pokémon or something? i really hope not, you know, cos in recent years there’s been like five hundred new pokémon or something.

Rose shudders.

ROSE: Oh, I really hope that’s not the case. But at the very least we could try to defeat the League.

JOHN: ok, i can accept that but how much do you actually know about pokémon?

ROSE: It is a game I played once or twice. I would know enough for a simple battle or quiz, but if this does turn out to be a catching challenge then I would have to say not a lot.

JOHN: well same goes for me really. so what do we do first?

ROSE: The obvious thing to do would be to prepare ourselves. Like how we would not be able to survive Sburb without a strife deck, we will be unable to survive Pokémon without a Pokémon of our own.

She hands you a small piece of paper. You turn it over to find that it is a printed business card.

CARD: I’M GIVIN’ FREE POKEMON TO ALL TRAINERS STARTIN’ ON THEIR ADVENTURES UPON A BRAND NEW ECHELON. FROM BUG CATCHER AND LASS TO EGG HATCHER AND SASS MASTER, JUST TAKE MY WATER BLASTER AND DWELL IN THE GRASS PASTURE OR CALL A FIRE FASTER COS THE POKEDEX WITH ALL ITS MAD TECHS? THAT MAKES IT BETTER THAN ANY HUMAN SEX...

The rap goes on for the full length of the card, but the writing is far too small for you to properly read all of it.

JOHN: what the hell happened to dave’s rapping? he used to be good! well, maybe semigood. but this is complete bullshit!

ROSE: That’s not Dave’s rap and writing. If I had to make a reasonable assumption, I would say that it is one of Dave’s brother’s robots.

JOHN: oh you mean squarewave? that makes a lot more sense, i guess. so where’s dirk?

ROSE: It seems Dirk Strider has taken the place of the regional Pokémon Professor.

JOHN: so... do you think he remembers about sburb or...?

You hand the card back to her. She tucks it into her pocket.

ROSE: I don’t know. But we could easily find out.

JOHN: alright, let’s go!

The two of you head downstairs. Roxy looks up at you.

ROXY: hey so howed it go?

JOHN: how did what go?

ROXY: were you two just compementing each othrs performuns last night?

ROSE: Get your head out of the gutter. John and I are going to see the Professor.

Roxy raises an eyebrow.

ROXY: professer di stri?

JOHN: yeah we want to start our pokémon adventure so… we’re gonna go get one from him. see you!

ROXY: wait!! before you go take this

She hands you both a pair of bags.

ROXY: now you can store your shit in there.

JOHN: i’ll remember that if i ever need to take a dump on this adventure.

ROSE: John!

She scolds you but looks somewhat amused.

ROSE: Let’s go.

The two of you wave goodbye to the fake Roxy Lalonde and leave.


	2. > Jade: Go home.

Your name is Jade Harley. You are on your way home so that you can pick up your lunch, which you absentmindedly forgot to pack that morning in preparation for work. 

However, something else catches your eye. Your brother and best friend! 

JADE: hey john! hey rose! nice to see you both! 

JOHN: oh hey jade! 

ROSE: Jade, quick question: Have you ever heard of Sburb? 

You scrunch up your face into a look of confusion. You can’t say you have ever heard of anything that sounds quite as stupid as “Sburb”, but you’re awfully curious as to what it is now! You’ll probably look it up when you get back to work, if you remember. 

You shake your head. Both John and Rose immediately look disappointed. 

JADE: sburb? what’s that? it sounds silly! 

ROSE: Never mind. Forget I asked. 

JOHN: so um… that’s the lab there, right? professor strider’s lab? 

JADE: jooohn! you know he hates being called that! but yeah, that’s his lab alright! i think i saw dave go in there earlier, you know? 

ROSE: Well, John and I are off to get our first Pokémon. Would you like to come? 

JADE: oh wow that sounds amazing!!! you two are finally off on your adventure! ohh, but i can’t come! i’ve got to help sollux maintain the storage system… 

JOHN: wait... sollux? the troll? 

JADE: yes john, keep up! sollux captor is the founder of the pokémon storage system you get in all pokémon centers! 

Suddenly, you notice something. Every so often, John and Rose keep glancing at each other. Could it be…? Could they be… dating...? 

You make another mental note to make sure to update one of your furry friends on a recent ship. 

ROSE: Well, Captors and Storage Systems aside, we’d better hurry before all the Pokémon are gone. 

JADE: yeah! dave might take them all ironically or something! 

JOHN: you can’t even define his level of irony! 

ROSE: John, let’s go. 

JADE: ok, take care, guys! 

You wave after your brother and friend as they walk away. They definitely seem closer than before. You have never been so excited! Eagerly, you pull out your Pokegear and dial Nepeta’s number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter just to demonstrate that I'm utterly terrible at writing Jade. And because this story is a lot more popular than I thought it would be. I guess that's to be expected from two fandoms as awesome as these?
> 
> By the way, yes, Jade is supposed to be Daisy Oak. I took a few liberties in changing some of the relationships to make sense. I mean look at the relationship between Rose and Roxy that was established last chapter!
> 
> Speaking of Rose, I still need to go back and fix her lines so they seem more Rosy. But at least she's not the person I'm worst at characterising!


	3. > Dirk: Exposit on why you're in a freezer.

You are now Dirk Strider and you have never been in a place as fucking chill as this. 

There was never any conceivable way that this room could handle the levels of irony contained within the two blonde haired Strider bodies. You can already see the paintwork peel and the machines creak and groan. 

Dave Strider smirks at you, looking rather smug. 

DAVE: yeah thanks for the chair man durr dude 

DIRK: No man, you’re pronouncing it wrong. It’s “Charmander”. 

DAVE: i dont even give a shit about the pronunciation its still a fucking awesome pokemon so who even cares about how you say its name 

DIRK: Hey, don’t accuse me of being a pronunciation prick or whatever; I’m just trying to educate my little bro and prevent him from making a complete tool of himself when in public situations. Do you really want to be yelling out “Go Derpendorf” when you’re on fucking TV? 

DAVE: thanks for the fucking shitty sounding name but im not using it in sbahj ok 

DIRK: I’m hurt. How the hell did you know that’s what I was implying? 

DAVE: bro i can read you like a fucking book and i sure as hell dont need your input for slow bro and haunter jeff 

DIRK: Hey, hang on a minute. AR’s trying to tell me something. 

You drop the conversation when you notice the insides of your shades flashing. 

AR: When you’re done chatting up a shitstorm like you meatbags are infuriatingly prone to doing, I should tell you that you have visitors. 

TT: Who is it? 

AR: Well, let’s just say that shit’s about to get a lot more psychological. 

TT: Fuck. What does she want? 

AR: This is just a guess, but there’s a 41.3% chance that she’s here to show off her new fanfiction, and a 61.2% chance that she wants a Pokemon. 

TT: Those figures don’t add up to 100. Go back to learning basic math. 

AR: It seems you aren’t aware I just pulled those figures from my figurative ass. Besides, even if I didn’t, reasons for visiting relatives can overlap. Probably. I’ve never had to visit anyone, so I wouldn’t know. 

TT: You’re glasses. Stop being so emotional and just let them in. 

AR: Sure. I’ll just go bug Roxy or something. At least she appreciates my sense of self-worth. 

Your Auto Responder stops typing to you, and vision is restored as the window disappears from your scalene sunglasses. Just in time to see the door open. Rose and John step inside, the former looking straight towards you, and the latter looking about him with a sense of mild bewilderment. You already know Rose is psychoanalyzing you, trying to get a read on your personality. You can see it in her lavender eyes. 

DIRK: Well look who we have here. How can I help you guys? 

ROSE: Sburb? April 13th 2009? 

DIRK: Okay, because what you just said totally makes sense. 

DAVE: yeah dude that was just a heap of words amounting to fucking nonsense 

DIRK: Enough gobbledygook from your erotic Harry Potter FanFictions. Did you actually come here for a reason or what? I’m a busy guy, you know? 

JOHN: haha, yeah right! you probably just want to take a shower! i bet it’s like your fifth today or something. 

DAVE: haha yeah bro you do take too many showers 

DIRK: Do you want me to repeat my question? Do you really want to go down that road? 

ROSE: That would be unnecessary and a waste of time. Let’s not go there. 

DIRK: At least one of you chumps has some sense. So what’s up, Lalonde? 

ROSE: We were hoping to acquire a Pokémon from you, actually. 

DAVE: oh what a fucking coincidence ive just got a pokémon myself too yknow 

JOHN: and now i immediately choose whichever one will have an advantage over dave’s! 

You turn your back to the bickering kids. Here, there is a table adorned with two red and white balls. You select one of them. There’s no need to verify the contents. You have them memorized. You toss this one over your head, in John’s general direction, and you hear him curse as he fumbles to catch it. 

DIRK: Squirtle it is. 

DAVE: fuck you 

You allow yourself a little smirk, then grab the other and toss it to Rose, after turning back to face her. 

DIRK: That leaves you with Bulbasaur, Rose. I hope that’s alright with you. 

ROSE: It’s perfectly fine. As I recall, by using Bulbasaur I will have a tactical advantage over the first four Gyms. 

DAVE: shit youre taking the league challenge which thought orifice did this dumb idea spring out of 

JOHN: yeah, me and rose are going to wipe the floor with all the gyms! we’re going double team! 

DIRK: Hey, here’s an idea that’s totally original. Why don’t you break in your new Pokémon by battling? 

DAVE: id be up for that if it wasnt fucking two on one 

DIRK: Well how about the Striders vs. the Lovebirds? 

DAVE: sounds like a game id watch 

JOHN: fuck you dirk! me and rose aren’t lovebirds! 

ROSE: Yes, Dirk. You should really stop making baseless assumptions about John and I’s relationship. It is really inappropriate, you know? 

DAVE: whats inappropriate is that its like been thirty seconds since bro suggested we battle and i still havent gotten a chance to knock your fucking blocks off 

DIRK: Fine, here. 

You reach into your pocket and pull out a Poké Ball of your own. You tap the button on the side, and a large yellow mouse creature with a jagged tail appears in front of you, looking ready to battle with these immature brats who’ve waltzed into your sick fireproof lab. 

DIRK: Timaeus, let’s go. 

DAVE: oh my fucking god no you did not call your pikachu timaeus 

DIRK: Hey, within three seconds of you getting your grubby mitts on that Charmander you called it Geromy. 

DAVE: fuck you its an awesome name 

ROSE: Well, while watching you two arguing is certainly amusing I am going to have to start this battle. 

Rose tosses her Bulbasaur onto the field. 

ROSE: I think I will name you Fluthlu. 

DAVE: haha thats just so like you rose 

ROSE: Says the one who names his Pokémon after one of his own satirical Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff characters. 

DAVE: so what about you john are you gonna name your squirtle after one of your dumbass actors 

JOHN: hey! they’re cool! 

DAVE: come on bring out mcconahey or nicolas cage or whatever youre calling it 

JOHN: bluh fine! go zillyhoo! 

John releases his own Pokémon, a blue creature resembling a turtle, with a little curly tail. To be honest, you weren’t expecting that name, but you don’t let it show. You’re too fucking chill for that. 

DIRK: Okay now you’re just making shit up. 

DAVE: fuck whatever lets just battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. Chapter 3 is done.
> 
> I'm reasonably happy with how well this chapter turned out. I don't think I fully got the Dave and Dirk characters right, but yeah... They're as good as they're gonna get coming from me.
> 
> Pokémon naming is going to be a thing for this chapter, by the way. I'm not going to work on their characters or fleshing them out though.
> 
> Uh, still wondering what's going on with those HTML tags, but I can make do without them for now, I suppose.

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of the character replacements do make sense, others... not so much.
> 
> Also, this is the first story I've ever used HTML coding in. I've used HTML before, around Wikis and stuff, but this will be good practice for a fanventure I'm writing.


End file.
